Welcome to the Eye Bent Grape Spasm's "Large Scary Nasal Hair"

WARNING: Excessive use of this tape can result in serious mental disorders and warts. Always listen to the tape in a well ventilated area free from positive ions. Do not allow this tape to touch or come into contact with any records by Genesis or Nirvana as there is a serious risk of explosion.

TECHNICAL NOTE:

This tape has come pre-program formatted with dimensional "muzak phasing". This means that the music on the tape can be reprogrammed to come out of different parts of your at random and at random intervals. In doing so it nay be effectively used as a burglar deterrent by creating the impression that your house is full of mad mexicans wielding stylophones and sombreros and ready to shoot first and ask questions later. Oh and by the way thanks also to Keith of the Wedding Present.

Help stamp out crime with the Eye Bent Grape Spasm.

1.THE POWER OF PRAYER (Prong Rating: 0.002uH)
A funking melody with lots of dripping sounds convince you that your house has been converted into a giant toilet. A scary bloke talks about God incessantly preventing you from doing what nature intended. Musicians should note the cunningly inserted rather subtle hook line in the centre to ensure commercial success which we realised we were sadly lacking at that point in the song. Now the kids can dance to it and we'll be COOL!

2. SAD FAT BLOATER (Prong Rating: -0.006uH)
This tune explores the possibilities of procreation with a keyboard and a girl called Jenny on the other end of an electronic mail network. The foot pump symbolises masculine intuition. Carefully inserted "rave" hooks ensure that the EBGS are where it's at and therefore SO CAN YOU BE TOO! A Fabulous Funky Soul Brother provides careful accompaniment and preventive discipline to ensure no limbs are mutilated or damaged by this manoeuvre.

3. YOU PLAY THE GUITAR LIKE JOHN MAJOR (Prong Rating: -10.002uH)
Groovy stylophone / clarinet solos and a bloke shouting "Phil Collins" a lot sums up this delicate tune. This is the one the kids on the street are getting down to. Open your window now, and see if you can't hear them! Clarinet mutilation by Mix Master El Bastardos Rock Star.

4. THE BALLAD OF JIMI HENDRIX (Prong Rating: -200.1203uH)
He was the greatest and now he is dead. He will never be the same again and neither will we. But by listening to the EBGS we can help alleviate the emotional problems that occur when coming to terms with these soul shattering facts. Plant a tree for Jimi today and be GREEN with the EBGS. Cover version of an original by "The Storm Troopers of Death"

5. WILD STICK (Prong Rating: -189.2341uH)
This classic resurrected from that note perfect JIMI HENDRIX tribute band "The Concerned Christians" on their 1979 album "Weird Sex Crimes". This is what they want... this is what they need... in Leeds, in Brighton, everywhere... and we're gonna give it to them. Jimi may be dead but his fingers still twitch. Amazing vocal construction by Meeester Wheeepy.

6. FISHHEADS (Prong Rating: 5.5uH)
The classic Meester Wheepy vocal duet with Mix Master El Bastardos Rock Star combine to paint a picture of delicate impressionism. Little birds flutter through the early morning sky, while small children build sandcastles. Meanwhile the EBGS jump out of bushes and scare the children with their fishheads... High prong rating due to classic guitar work by El Bastardos 'Holiday Inn' May.

7. WHY WE NEED A MODERATOR (The Cut His Feed Mix) (Prong Rating: -2.00uH)
A moderator is someone who stops you from exceeding the boundaries of good taste. The EBGS are beyond good taste. Cunningly crafter from an engaged tone on the telephone ("I'd rather stick my head in a lawnmower then dance to the engaged tone of the telephone"). Exciting "That was the sound of Nadia laughing" mix supplied by the devil himself! Oh and by the way, thanks also to Keith of the Wedding Present.

8. STEEKIN' BANDITO's (Regular Version) (Prong Rating: -345.92uH)
In the wastelands of Lewes a bunch of Mexican musicians meet up and start playing a delicate liddle Mexican number when suddenly a load of teenagers arrive from outer space carrying computer games and large imitation plastic carrots. The Teenagers use the games on the musicians shooting them and riding digital horses around then while they chant genuine mexican insults at them ("Sombrero!", "Dynamite!", etc). Then they prong them with their carrots. At this point Meeester Wheepy comes to the rescue with a devastatingly beautiful stylophone solo... Mexican music played the way it always should've been.

TOP POP FUTURE HIP HOP FUNK CITY TURN THE TAPE OVER MAN!

1. STEEKIN' BANDITO's (Radio Remix) (Prong Rating: -345.93uH)
Gringo Fadhley wanted a radio remix - so you have all the above but professionally crafted about 65 miles away from where the Beatles recorded "Sgt Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band" and every bit as revolutionary. Note the clever whistle which may be played through a ghetto blaster when walking your dog... RECOMMENDED.

2. SERIOUS JAZZ (Prong Rating: 54.12uH)
Time to get serious. Some people, believe it or not, did not take the EBGS seriously based on the previous tracks. SO it was decided that a serious jazz track should be devised to prove we can play our instruments and are not just another Jason Donavan impersonation scam... Guitar excesses by Bastardos May, Bass by Mix Master and crisps by Mix Master and Meester Wheepy. Guest appearances by a variety of missing socks.

3. INFLATE KYLIE (Prong Rating: -293.132uH)
A new and exciting relaxation technique to teach your kids. The EBGS make it so easy by supplying a simple 4 step training package. A video is being prepared to show how easy it really can be!

4. LITTLE JEFF (Prong Rating: -500.1uH)
Jeff's 5'9 and a half but he just can't stop being little. A common problem in this day and age usually solved by the appliance of local steroids or a sharp fist in the jaw. Later in the piece the Eye Bent Grape Spasm, having been pronged many times to obtain readings fro this tape, promise to prong YOU to determine your talent ratings. Contains a section of the all exciting "Mc Douglas Spleen" mix by Gringo Fadhley! Watch out also for the exciting John Peel.

5. ALEX REMEMBERS TO PLAY THE GUITAR (Prong Rating: 2312.2341uH)
All of the great guitar licks ever created are explored in this wondrous solo designed as the ultimate in its class. The live version features El Bastardos 'Holiday Inn' May suffering the notes out of his guitar while lit in blue light and on a revolving raised pedestal. The ultimate in guitar music. Oh and by the way, thanks also to Keith of the Wedding Present.

Each track above has a prong rating associated with it. A talent prong is a device consisting of a long metallic pole with a ball on the end of it. When applied to musicians the ball develops a voltage of several thousand volts, anaesthetising the performer and allowing a sample of brain tissue to be removed actually DURING the performance. Once done the tissue is subjected to a patented method of analysis allowing an absolute talent rating to be arrived at. Talent ratings are usually measured in micro-Hendrixes where 1 Hendrix = the talent of Jimi himself.

Thanks to Mix Master (he IS the devil) Fadhley and Naunle for sarcastic laughing, pasta derivatives and the "Mc Douglas Spleen" mix. Also The Fabulous Funky Soul Brothers on "Sad Fat Bloater", Sg "God Bless the IRA" Trust, and not forgetting Kylie Minogue without whom none of this would have been possible... Oh and by the way, thanks also to Keith of the Wedding Present.

Recorded between the months of Sept 1992 and May 1993 at EBGS HQ, Brighton. Duplication by TSProfessional onto Chrome tape with Dolby B noise reduction. (c) Eye Bent Grape Spasm 1993

For further information and tape copies send an SAE to "The Eye Bent Grape Spasm", PO BOX 257, Brighton, BN1 5NZ

'Dolby' is a trademark of Dolby Laboratories Inc.
'Thanks to Keith of the Wedding Present' is a trademark of Dave Stansfield.
'God Bless The IRA' is a trademark of Sg Trust.
'Top Pop Future Hip Hop Funk City' is a trademark of Satan Fadhley

HOME TAPING LIKE THIS IS KILLING MUSIC!

El Bastardos 'Holiday Inn' May: Guitars (Basses and Lead), "Phil Collins", Midi Keyboards, Footpump.

Meester Wheeepy: Stylophone, Vocals, Sombrero, Dynamite, Computer Keyboard, "Why can't everyone just love each other y'know?", Walkers Salt and Vinegar flavoured Crisps.

Mix Master El Bastardos Rock Star: Bass Guitar, Keyboards, Drum Machine, Mixing, Production, Occasional Lead Guitar, Walkers ready salted crisps.

Frab Sperge Spak Moof drerglish joog bahunka slij voodum haarg lafg oorglie germap frook vindliop fashots spling dooreg knerp yicklie Oh and thanks to Keith from the Wedding Present nooplick nodrap zerherge sredni vasbtar blang blooge werkle genesis phil collins is god wibblishing ghert spaktanglime